Boss to fellow manager, they sit next to each other and facing me.

"Make sure you have your IM on"

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Thank you for reading this, your witnessing helps me get unstuck around this.

I was at the Arclight in Hollywood this evening, alone, waiting to see Redbelt.

With a cup of coffee in front of me I had my journal notebook and a pencil out, a good portable pencil sharpener close at hand. 

A real sour note that's just occured in my life led to my writing a scene about it.  It's a new taste of sourness that I've never experienced before, and that's all that I'm willing to share.

I wondered about it, could I hope that it could be a starting point to a story?  Is this worth anything?

I happened to glance at my pencil.  The stamped brand lettering glowed a deep emerald blue, reflecting light.  For a moment that pencil was bluely supernatural, glowing from within in a way that no director of any of the movies whose showtimes were listed downstairs would ever dare hope to catch on film.

My breathing was calm, the Arclight was the Arclight...

And the world was OK.

Did anyone think to pronounce the title word like the biblical book?  

Not a pretty post, this...  hopefully there will be no self pity in describing my... self pity?  Or genuine suffering?

Hi everyone... I'd like you to ask a question of yourself:

What if I'm smart enough that I don't fail at a job that's not right for me?

I can't make you, but try it:

What if I'm smart enough that I don't fail at a job that's not right for me?
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    In no particular order...
    Baker.  Waiter (went 0 for 3 over the years as I got fired from all of them, I'm horrible).  Delivery driver.  Golf club salesman(excellent).  Alaskan fishing boat hired hand.  Good stories from that one.  Car salesman(you're satisfied if you bought from me.  I've got stats).  Pizza man. 

    Paid signature gatherer: help keep lap dancing legal in LA county!  Probably my lowest point.  Ballroom dance lesson sales.  Barista (too slow).  Call center temp--for Starbucks during a Christmas.  The coffee was fresh, made in those huge vats.  That job was the most temporary feeling job I've ever had.  Actor.  

    Worked in the stuffed animal shop at Magic Mountain summer of 1984.  Worst uniform of my life, no contest.  Huge strange lollipops.  Lost my virginity in the employee parking lot.  I still have a memory from that time of "coming to" while giving change and having no recall of anything I had been doing until that moment.  The cash register was short something like 4 dollars, and I had absolutely no memory of it.  I also endured a terrifying 1/2 hour inquisition from a 21 year old Latina when I somehow lost a 20 dollar bill while working at booth outside.
    Ride operator the next summer, got fired from that job, thank god I didn't hurt anyone.   I think I've been to a theme park--Disneyland--once since.
    Kirby vaccums door to door--first thing I did after college.  Caregiver for developmentally disabled adults. 
    Sex offender counselor intern.  No shit.  Theater director. Web advertising sales.  Eddie Bauer catalog call center (weird vibe).
    Computer training sales, we all abandoned the office immediately the morning of 9/11. 

    Almost got hired as an entry level editor for a small Los Angeles newspaper, turns out the nice gentleman who liked me was slightly senile and the son put a stop to it immediately.  I always wonder about that one, I was motivated, I would have worked my ass off, and despite my preference for commas and only commas I know how to page through a style handbook.  I might have been able to do it.

    Instructor for a post high school vocational school--a total student loan scam that charged WAY too much money to train people to become medical workers by making them sit and endure bullshit.  Radiology techs, optometry assistants, that kind of thing.  Plus they made the students wear hideous medical worker garb which they overcharged for.   I taught communication skills and intro to psychology.  I was actually ok at it, I pulled all nighters before teaching to figure out what I was going to do, I refused to regurgitate the textbooks.  I can grok and explain theory.  I even got a feeling once... reading a paper.  It was from a decent, late 30's guy who had spent years in the Navy, and it was a true coup to have earned his respect enough for him to have written the paper that he turned in.  I was part time, they didn't ask me back after a bit.  I had a class turn on me.  I was too... not what they wanted.  

I'm sure there's one or two jobs I'm missing. 

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As I review the above, my reaction is Holy Shit.  And: didn't I do retail at some other point besides the stuffed animals?
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I'm tired of my current job.  I've worked at the same place for over 4 years.  I'm scared.  And this blog post is the beginning of the end of it.   Could be fairly soon, could be a long time from now, I don't know.  I'm going to try to do it right.

This post almost got deleted so I wouldn't have to follow through.  Stay tuned...

 

Just visited my parents and extended family in Chicago and saw a unique theater show at the Chicago Shakespeare Theater on Friday night.

I'm really good at training. Here's how you can use Integral Practice for whatever skill you want. Subdivide it into three separate skills. Practice them all, seperately. Do three practices which comprise whatever skill you want. Yes, that's all integral practice needs to be. Oh, you can play developmentally if you want... a physical skill, a mental skill, a spiritual skill. But you can also attack just one line. Just one skill. And guarantee you'll get better at it. Writing, an Integral Practice Study punctuation and sentence structure for 15 minutes (I personally have an Elements of Style book that I've cracked twice--I'm designing the practice, that doesn't mean I've completed it yet). Study an author you like by writing his or her sentences yourself. Remember, Ken Wilber did this with Alan Watts. For 15 minutes. Write what you want. For 15 minutes. Golf, an Integral Practice Yoga for stretching. 15 minutes. Review video of the one swing key you want to work on. 5 minutes. Hit one bucket of balls. 25 minutes. Yoga, my Integral Practice (I'd want you, the yoga practicing reader, to choose your own subdivisions) Warm up, the gentlest awareness of the feel of my body. Simple, simple poses. 10 minutes. Play with edges. For however long the session is. (60 minutes?) Write a journal afterwards while having delicious chai tea. Say hi to others in the class, including my teacher. (30 minutes) Got it? That's all integral practice needs to be, if you just substitute the words "cross training" for integral. To repeat: sustitute "cross training" for integral. Witness the previous sentence once more. Thanks for reading!

1 minute on. 1 minute off. Paying attention to time, and heeding the rules of flow. Going deeper and deeper and deeper. Weightlifting really is good. Dream practice, just writing dreams for a minute on and then off, that's great for meditation. Can I indulge you in a dream? This is my dream, wait, let me call up a clock on the screen... the minute hand on the clock stopped. Wait. Now it lept 25 seconds. I can hear the ticks of the silent clock. OK. If anyone wants a dream practice, let me know.

Csikszentmihalyi is Czech, and endured the 1968 Russian takeover of his country. This is an interesting cultural influence. He describes many people who use flow to bring meaning to otherwise boring or unchallenging work. Imagine needing to stave off depression. The author's experiential knowledge of flow is forged out of this raw material.

Clear Goals and feedback about those goals needs to be present for flow to appear. For example, I'm going to set a goal for myself. I need to write the above sentence five times for me to succeed. And do it slowly, pay attention 15 words a minute. clear goals and feedback about those goals needs to be present for flow to appear. clear goals and feedback about those goals needs to be present for flow to appear. clear goals and feedback about those goals needs to be present for flow to appear. clear goals and feedback about those goals needs to be present for flow to appear. clear goals and feedback about those goals needs to be present for flow to appear Taste of flow! Enjoy!